Yes, I am still here. Please, look at my last deviation ' i am a sinner'. Look at my face. This is what I look like. Within the last year I have changed. But my eyes are still the same. I can see you.

There it is. Saturday evening. Wasn't that the time kids used to hang out? You know, hitting the clubs, somebody passes the pills, sex with strangers, serious hangover the next morning? Now that is where I sometimes regret leaving the university. On the other hand, I got a freakin' great job. And some friends and I are checking out some news places to go. We found a really neat club with fluffy pillows, red lightning, suggestive music (whatever that means...) and some really nice customers.

Well, at least I have time to work on some ideas that I had. Actually these are ideas I had during sex. I just cannot get used to that. How can you have a serious thought during sex anyway!? Whatever - I just have some 'material' to work on and that is good. Mostly because I have so much work right now that I really enjoy to 'work' on something that is not connected to my job in any way.

Some days ago there was a huge fire in my neighborhood. I live near an old train museum, and it appears that there have been some barrels with highly explosive contents been stored within that building. I got a call from a friend about the fire, which was pretty strange - I was outside, perhaps 100 meters distant from the fire and I didn't see, hear or smell it. Well, when I walked around the corner, I noticed that beautiful lightning, the huge flames into the night sky and of course these dozens of people on the street. They held their hands, cried, made phone calls. I wonder why - it was a freakin' museum, empty and nobody got hurt. Still, these people searched and found each other outside their own homes that night.

The result of the project (a special magazine) I was working on in an executive position some weeks ago is sold out. Again. First print run was about 50,000 units, the second - not even two weeks later - was 30,000. So it's 80,000 sold units. I am currently working on a third improved run. You can now buy the magazine online, too. I am thinking about having a small celebration when we hit the 100,000 mark. Until now we have made about 550.000€ with the magazin. I like to talk about this since I worked so hard on the project, and the result is about 60 to 70 percent done by me alone.

On Wednesday I will finally have to appear on court and have to testify against those two russian rapers. I whish that would already be over. Sometimes I am afraid, since these guys are freakin russians (mafia!), they know where I live, they have already been here standing in front of my door. Don't wanna get stabbed in the back on my way home. But most of the time I feel totally indifferent. I thought about calling the court and asking if it was really necessary for me to appear in public, but hey, fuck that. I will simply go there, tell them what I know and then just forget it.

Besides bringing evil, mean russian rapers behind bars I will go to a nice little party next week. It's a business event, some sort of company party. 800 people and invited guests. That's right: Eight hundred fuckin' people are going to be there. I sure hope I don't mess up anything. There is no safety for anybody when I get nervous. But it is a good opportunity to wear a suit again. I love wearing my suit. I just look good in that thing, what can I say.

The store near my apartement has a new sort of beer. It tastes mild but is rich in content, too. I wonder if I ever get this drinking problem under control. Besides that the store upgraded its potatoe salad: There is some really nice pieces of corn, cucumber and paprika in it. Delicious.

I never had so much games and movies at my hands in my entire life. I really miss a good book right now. So many people envy me for my job. Hell, even I cannot believe what I am doing here or how I got this job.

'A history of violence' is a really nice movie. It has that typical Cronenberg-style-violence, so there is lots of gore and blood to see. And some fabulous actors in a plot that makes you feel like a sick, blood-thirsty psycho. Good movie. Great soundtrack, too!

I love the second season of 'Lost'. It is really my favourite show *after* Battlestar Galactica, of course. I am going to watch episode 2x05 in about ten minutes.

Today I was thinking that I might have skin cancer. We should see about that.

If you wanna eat a really delicious salad, take some onions, cut them into rings, put them into breadcrumbs and roast them nice and slowly on a low temperature. Then cut some cherry tomatoes into halfs and roast them shortly into the onion fat. Let the onion rings drip off and arange both tomatoes and onions on the salad. Works great with any kind of food.

I am thinking about finally shooting a series of nude photography. Still looking for a model, though. But I have somebody in mind. You will be the first to know if the shots turn out ok.

Enjoy your stay.

Peace and love for everyone.

Feeling strange lately.

I have put long thoughts into this and I believe I finally found something. Most people will think it is disgusting or even sick - well, that is fine with me! It is just something that I have to do. I think it is what I need.


Now for something more enjoyable.

Update: Remember my dirty picture 'mens health'? It was deleted a couple of months ago because it showed some wide-spread pussy in six delicious color schemes. I got that picture now hanging at my wall, fully framed and in a huge scale (80x60cm). Pretty neat. More to follow.

Found some old tracks in my music archives. Crash Test Dummies - "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm". That song is just eternal. Besides I am currently switching between Theory of a Deadman ("Santa Monica"), paniq ("Progression" - check out his awesome work on www.paniq.org) and The Notwist ("Pick up the phone"). Music all day long, even at the office now.

I've been pretty successful at my job recently. I worked on a special issue in a leading position, and the final product sold over 70,000 times. Besides a nice paycheck I was also promoted and am a junor editor now. Gonna start from scratch again, which is pretty cool.

In two weeks I will have to appear in court. Earlier this year I had to call the police because two drunken russians rampaged in my house. They were arrested and it turned out that they have been wanted for rape and serious bodily injury. So now I have to testify, and as much as I like to help - I really don't want to piss off some crazy russians right there.

Stay tuned. Peace and love for everyone.

- legion

Reading ... nothing but my own articles. (close to deadline)
Listening to ... 'Bouncing Baby Clones' by Chiasm
Watching ... Battlestar Galactica 2x02

______________________

What I had feared for the last years was taking steps towards ... anything new. Change, in so many ways...

I cannot tell what I feel since I am not feeling much at this moment. This is hard to believe if you consider who I am. Everybody who knows me just a bit would take this as a lie, but it is true; I managed to shut down some of my basic emotions.

This is sick. It is what I wanted, I did everything I could to achive this state. Gave up almost everything I had left.

Someone told me some time ago what a cold-hearted man I have become. Though I do not consider this person to be really smart in terms of understanding the human nature, it made me think.

I know for a couple of months now that I am heading to a new direction. Did not realise how fast it was going. Since last winter I changed rapidly. I believe I am heading towards a point of no return... final measures... my past is coming back and hitting me like a whip of thoughts...
... still breathing though... still there...

Have I become the monster I always denied to be? Have I really put so much effort into losing the good aspects of myself? Last year it was a decision by means of survival. Well, still alive... now what? I cannot stay like that.

Maybe this is me approaching one of those unique spots in life... when you can decide what to become... whether it is good or bad...

Christ, I do not even have the time for those decisions...

To all those of you who refused me the second I became useless to your cause... I am still here. I defeated you.

I really don't know why, but I feel something coming up. Maybe it's important... this could be good, for a change.